I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
