Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
