I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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