oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
