I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
