i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
