So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
