im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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