my phone needs a breathalizer
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
