Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
