Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
