I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
