I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Randomize
