Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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