I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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