Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Come see our sink grown plant.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
