I can text with my tongue
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
