She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
