Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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