seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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