I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
