I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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