Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I faked an abortion last night.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize