No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
