im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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