that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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