I just saw a hot homeless man
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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