I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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