I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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