Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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