he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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