cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
