i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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