on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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