Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
