matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
