So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Someone shattered a urinal.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Still dying that you shit outside
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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