God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
