totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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