I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
