Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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