There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Every concussion has its silver lining
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
