You really coming over, don't trick.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i think i have herpe
just one?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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