Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
