i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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