got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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