don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
