She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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