Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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