Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he thought i was a dude.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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